a bit more of friendship

I discovered a long time ago that I have difficulties trusting people. It originates, I believe partly from my perfective nature. I have spent the majority of my life doing things the “best” way possible. From my point of view the “best” way is, for the most part, my way, until I find a better way and adopt it as my own. I know that “best” ways are open for interpretation and also realize that my ways aren’t always the best. This isn’t an attempt to promote the way I do things, but a realization that the perfection that I try to achieve is damaging.
I have spent so much time doing things my way that I trust myself a lot. Too much. Let’s say that trust comes in a glass and originally everyone’s starts full. We are given the opportunity to distribute our “trust” as we see fit to the other glasses around us. Well, my glass is very full, not because a lot of people trust me but because I have done a poor job of distributing my trust. In order to gain the trust of others I think it is vitally important that you trust them in return. So the analogy continues, I distribute my trust to others around me, my glass empties (don’t worry this is good) in return they trust me and my glass fills up again (see I told you it would all work out). I hope you kind of understand what I am trying to say.
I know about this problem and have been trying to fix it. When I started university I couldn’t let anyone hand in my assignment but me, but I now can let others hand it in for me. I thought that by doing this I would start to solve my trust problems. But not so, I now trust more people with small things and have forgotten about the real problem, trusting people I know with the big things. I want to have meaningful friendships but am lacking a key component, trust.
Trusting to me is like high stakes gambling. There is much to gain, like the type of friendships that I am looking for, but also stuff to lose. I don’t think this is the entire solution to my “I want meaningful friendships” question but it is something that I can definitely work on.

yo

also a big thanks to people who have talked to me about friendship in the last while, your time and insight is appreciated greatly.

Highlight of 2006

Fighting for the title are:

April 8, 2006
shooting a 22, world war II 303 British Army rifle and 12 gauge shotgun. Mostly at trees, until we found out that the 303 shot right through the trees, therefore the road.

April 10, 2006
The discovery of a 30 foot long by 2 foot wide unpopped one inch bubble wrap, laying on the sidewalk outside Centennial Billiards.

yo

people take effort

It takes so much effort to stay in touch with people. Not just to "hang out" as it has been called but to actually express an active interest in their lives. With school being busy recently it was easy to avoid people. There were important things that I needed to do schoolwise and I figured I would just catch up later with the people. I look at the catching up that I have to do and don't know where to start. I figured I would write an excused filled blog about why I don't want to spend any time with anyone. But that isn't the point and isn't my intent. I want to spend time with people. I just want the things that we talk about to matter. I know too many people.

Maybe I should distance myself from all but five people, then I could be a good friend to those. The problem is that I know too many amazing people, people that I enjoy being around that make me think about things when we talk.

Maybe I should get married. I could use that as an excuse to spend less time with people. But I'm not looking for an excuse. I'm looking for a way I can create deep meaningful relationships with everyone I meet.

Maybe I have the wrong outlook on friendship. Maybe people just want to know other people so that they can greet them when they pass, because it's polite to do.

I have an idealistic "all or nothing" outlook on friendship because I can never do it myself. I always realize that I haven't been giving my "all" in a friendship when it is too late to leave and give "nothing".

I'm trying.

yo.